*Warning…Emotional Long Post*
In the midst of an unexpected, anger fueled, emotional tirade today…my Mr. uttered something that stopped me in my tracks, paused my tears, and put a momentary “pin” in my anger…
He told me…”It’s possible that in order to break generational curses, someone has to be broken…in this case that someone is you“. That sh*t hurt…like hole in the middle of my chest, roller coaster stomach, hurt. Not because he said it in a mean way (he was actually encouraging me), not because he was telling me to “suck it up” (it was quite the opposite), but it hurt like hell because in that moment I realized that the anger that broiled at the surface, may be justified, but was not one that would ever, could ever, be tamed. All for the sake of breaking a brokenness that has plagued my lineages for at least two generations at the most.
Little backstory without divulging too much…
I admittedly have issues…daddy ones, mommy ones and sibling ones. My immediate familial makeup is a hodgepodge of biological parents, step parents, half siblings, step siblings, unclaimed siblings, and me…the only full blooded child my parents have. Needless to say these things often result and resulted in mixed emotions, hurt feelings, and sometimes some flat out frackle-knackle bullsh*t…to put it mildly…LOL…and to be honest…It’s affected me deeply.
As a kid and as an adult, in my family I’ve often felt “in-limbo” as it relates to “where I fit” in my immediate family. Blended families usually come from previously broken families, and my broken family that resulted in a blended family…kinda blended like oil and water in some places…and well we know how oil and water works. Being the only kid my parents had means I don’t have the connection with any of my siblings that siblings with both the same parents have. It’s unexplainable… but if you’re one of these kids…on either side…you know exactly what I mean. Couple that with young parents that figured out parenting and blended families on the fly, new siblings that weren’t ready for new siblings, ego, pride, insecurity, and instability…chiiiile…let’s just say family therapy would have been clutch…LOL. Im admittedly a LOT nicer than I used to be and a LITTLE more patient…but still angry AF some days and today is one of those days.
As the “only child”, the “oldest sibling”, the “step child”, the “step sister”, and the “half sister”, I’ve seen, heard, felt, and endured a lot…the most…too much…and I hate it. In addition to knowing I was unexpected… I’ve often felt “unseen”, “unheard”, “unprotected”, “not respected”,”not defended”, and even at times “unattended”. Needless to say this has made me spicy, salty, standoffish, unrelenting, and at times unforgiving and all of that leads to me feeling well…”BROKEN”
Sure…I’m “successful” in a lot of areas I could have faltered, I’ve accomplished things some doubted I would, and I am happy most days beyond borders. But…every now and then…a realizations hits, a conversation is had, or a memory surfaces, that singes my senses and I explode emotionally…like today. Unplanned, unexpected, and ultimately innately innocent…but made me an inferno of emotion nonetheless. Hence this post.
Families broken by bridges burned by babies being born has deep history in my family. As a result, the women I’m blessed to share lineage with have forged families that left female children feeling forgotten and consequently fatally fractured our foundation. I determined long ago that this would stop with me, but I had no idea the weight that declaration carried. As I trudge through the emotional, mental, and spiritual work that decision carries, every now and then I hit an emotional brick wall and have to find new ways to mend, again today is one of these days. Whenever I end up here, once I calm down as much as I’m able, and make an attempt to process what triggered me and what’s left of me, I make a point to ask myself these 5 things (Who, What, When, Where, How):
- Who can help you with this
- What led you here today?
- When did the original triggering event happen?
- Where can this feeling take you if not checked?
- How do you move past it and make sure you and yours don’t repeat it?
Sometimes I can’t answer all 5…sometimes I don’t want to. The level of clarity, compromise, and communication that answering these requires is at times hard to do and sometimes I have to admit that I’m not in the emotional space to do them. What I do know though is…In order to break the cycle I have to bend my boundaries and brace for the bullsh*t. I don’t have to let people hurt me, walk over me, or misuse me…but I do have to be willing to build the bridge to “better” even if it “breaks” me some days.
I’m grateful that I have a supportive husband who understands my feelings on levels that are inexplicable, thankful that I still have relationships that are open to mending, hopeful that my sacrifice will right the course for those coming behind me. I won’t get it all “right” and accept that more days like this will come…but have to remember and remind myself over and over again that “Generational curse breakers will sometimes be broken”. Just another life lesson in this ~Life as a Whyfe~