An unfortunate case of the infamous “I”

*takes a deep breath and rolls eyes* Here goes nothin…!

Ohhhh the infamous “I”.

I’ve been described with far too many “I” words to count, but some of the frequent flyers are impossible, impassable, intelligent, intellectual, incredible, impeccable, inspiring, intense, irate, and irrational…but…Infertile…IN-FERTILE?!…I never saw coming. NEVER.

I’ve battled with myself for the last few months about IF, WHY, and HOW I would, or even if I should… share my story…my journey…my secret with the “world”…or at least my world as I know it. So…Sitting here with an “ugly cry” lump in my throat and unsure hands…I’ve decided to “go for it”

I’m not sure where to start, because I’m not sure I want to start at all, so I guess as close to the beginning as possible, is as good a place as any.

Sooooo…after being married for a year like we planned…the Mr. and I decided that we were “ready”. I made an appointment, had my IUD removed, and skipped into the baby-making sunset with my GYN’s blessing. I had done the research, had accounted for my age, weight, and prior fibroid removal, but I was confident, WE were confident, and looking forward to “trying”. I wasn’t overly concerned, as *full-disclosure* I have been pregnant before…and it was way easier to get “knocked” up than I care to admit *rolls eyes again*

Anyhoo…the journey began. We tried the first month…optimistic but realistic about the possibility that it may not happen as soon. No success. Thought we got lucky the first month but the red wave had other plans. Tried the next month, 3 more months, 6 more months, and more AAAAND more months. I’ve tried fertility tea, basal temperature tracking, peeing on hormone sticks, stalking LH surges, checking cervical mucus, used 3-4 tracking apps at a time , joined fb groups, followed fertility IG pages…the works!!!!!!

I’ve learned more about my “nether regions” and the fluids that come out of it than I ever thought I cared to…and still got no closer to my BFP (big fat positive – pregnancy test). Chiiiiiile, and the jargon…that’s an entirely different post. Needless to say…two years later…and I…WE…were discouraged, frustrated, and flat out unsure. Oh…I forgot to mention…while doing all of this, in the background, we were also going through the initial process of identifying reasons for infertility in order to get a referral to an infertility clinic. Test after test, result after result, my resolve began to falter and my faith in my body began to waver.

Fast forward to today…like literally today. Likely the day after my ovulation…and two weeks away from my next fertility “cycle” and I’m laying it all out. I’m frustrated and discouraged some days, and “okay” with whatever the future holds on others. Today is a combination of the two…and it sucks. Like reaaaally sucks. I’m used to bending the world to my will and making up the rules as I go along, so the fact that I feel like I can’t do this makes me feel untethered and all over the place, so I hope you guys are following..

Now…for “the why”.

When I first started the “official” fertility treatment, I researched “infertility and black women” and was discouraged by how little I found, other than the run of the mill “scientific article”. I found a few youtube videos here and there but not enough to make me feel informed, and lawd…a black fertility doctor at the clinic we’re utilizing was a pipe dream. *Le sigh*…so I figured…If I’m seeking the info and can’t find enough…more than likely someone else is too.

Don’t get me wrong…this post and the ones that will follow will be for ALL to seek, read, and see….but I wanted to provide context for the method to this madness I’m courting by opening my heart and mind to you all.. about one of the most insecurity filled, isolating, and intimate experiences I’ve endured thus far in my life.

Before I end…I absolutely have to thank my covert cheering section I’ve had up until now…you guys know who you are…they’ve encouraged me…us…incessantly. I’ve been given the space to laugh, cry, pout, doubt, and all in between and I wouldn’t have made it through this insanity with my sanity without you. Hang in there…we’ve got a ways to go. Until next time…here’s my peek into “My Life as the Whyfe”

5 thoughts on “An unfortunate case of the infamous “I””

  1. Cousin you are s rock star for sharing this, I would say my heart goes out to you (because it absolutely does) but I know you well enough to know that you’ve got this! It’s more than enough to bare but you are resilient in all things and you will also be through this. I’m not sure what your future plans are but whatever they may be; if and when you decide you will be a wonderful Mother. It doesnt matter if its biological, a Mother’s love is unwavering and you will be thee best Mom ever!! Love you to the moon and back!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Holy smokes, I sat in awwww as I read your story. Oddly enough I found myself weeping because I too have felt those very feelings. The guilt, the envy of others getting pregnant around me, the feeling of isolation, the insecurities and the list goes on. I stand here many years later with 2 biological boys and a newly adopted baby girl to say..Sis it’s not over! It may not be now but don’t lose focus. Pray together, speak openly, encourage one another and know that one day you too will experience what your hearts yearn for. We love you both and are just a button press away if ever we can be of assistance. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my love! Revealing this was scary and increased the feelings of isolation and all the other emotions that come with wild ride but you guys and the encouragement has been amazing! Love you much and thank you ❤️

      Like

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